For a while, I wanted to limit this blog to reviews. I didn’t want to bring the personal into it. Because again, this is the internet and as someone who grew up on it, I know the dangers of oversharing.

But I’m a writer. Oversharing is a quality writers have possessed for all of human history. And I, in particular, have always felt that it isn’t enough to simply live life if I cannot share my experience of it. So as much as I’d love to preserve my privacy in the age of oversharing, it goes against my nature.

So without further ado, let’s talk about my breakup.

How It All Started

I’ve always considered myself to be a very rational person. Emotional? Absolutely! But once the initial burst of emotions pass, I think clearly. So of course, I understand that love isn’t always meant to last. Some relationships are fleeting. And no matter how intelligent you are, you don’t necessarily see that a relationship is doomed until it’s too late.

And I’ve always been the one to say that a man is not a plan. I’ve always encouraged women to have a life outside of the man. I don’t believe you should be entirely reliant on anyone. Even in the case where the other person truly does love you, and would never leave, human beings are so fallible.

Even if they never break up with you, they could still die. So you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket. Because when one person becomes your entire world, it is hard to stay rational. Every conflict feels like the end of the world. And if you ever do lose that relationship, it causes everything in your life to fall apart.

But despite believing all of this, the first time I ever truly fell in love, it all went out the window. He became my best friend and my confidante. And I was so sure I’d have him forever that I never stopped long enough to consider what might happen if we did break up.

And We Did Break Up

I think the worst part about this breakup is that it was entirely out of my control. I had no idea it was coming. And when it happened, I had no way of making it better. There was no room for apologies or reconciliation. It was a cold, hard ending.

And it sucked.

Of course, my friends all came together to help me through it. I had countless long chats. I even involved an ex in my recovery (spoiler: that was a bad idea. Don’t break no contact … ever. No matter how long ago the breakup and no matter how nice the ex, it is NOT a good idea). And it didn’t help that my breakup happened while I was already serving my notice period at work.

So I ended up freshly single and unemployed.

I Had All The Time In The World But I Didn’t Want It

Unemployment is very rarely pleasant. Sure, I had my first real break in three years and it was fun to begin with. I started writing more, reading more, practising guitar, practising Chinese. I went back to salsa dancing. I started going to the gym more. I spent a lot more time with friends.

But there are a lot of hours in the day. And while the first two weeks were great, they also left me with a lot of time to think. And spiral. And yearn. And obsess.

And I wasn’t sleeping at all. Because despite all my friends agreeing that the breakup was for the best, that he was an asshole, that I’m better off and life will get better. It didn’t really help. Because unemployment only made his absence more obvious.

And as much as I want to be over the breakup, as much as I’d like to stop talking about it and stop crying over a man who decided a breakup was preferable to a fight. I simply can’t. And I’ve finally given up on trying to repress my feelings.

Because the truth is, breakups are hard. As humans, we are hardwired to seek out a partner in life. And when we go through a breakup, the parts of our brain that light up are the same ones that light up when we are feeling pain from a physical wound. It is not weakness to be wrecked by heartbreak, it’s biology.

And just as it wouldn’t help to yell at or ignore a bleeding cut, it doesn’t help to talk down to yourself for feeling emotions. And it especially doesn’t help to pretend they don’t exist. It just makes you feel worse while you’re already in pain.

So I’ve Decided To Stop

Right now, the only priorities I have are: get a new job, improve my health and recover from the emotional ups and downs of both my relationship, and the subsequent breakup. I simply don’t have the bandwidth to date anyone else. And I really don’t want to.

I just think about dating someone else. Getting love bombed for months. And then being blind sided with a breakup and a confession that the other person was actually miserable the whole time. No, I am simply not doing that again. Or at least, not until I get everything else together.

But on the bright side, I started writing a Romance novel on the past three years of my life and my numerous failed love stories. So I may be heartbroken but at least it’s inspiring me to write more.