So I’m currently midway through season 3 of Sex and the City. And honestly, watching the show has been a lesson in humiliation. Because the longer I watch it, the more I realise I’m Carrie Bradshaw.

And I didn’t expect to be. I’m 24, not 35. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. And I rarely even drink (in fact, there was an entire year where I swore it off and refused to touch a drop). But like her, I am a strong and independent woman. I am intelligent and I have great friends. But the moment I become infatuated with a man, it’s game over.

Like Carrie Bradshaw, I am an anxiously attached girl forever chasing after avoidant men who reel me in, only to drop me once I become too obsessive. And watching her make mistake after mistake, I see her as a cautionary tale.

The Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

Here’s the truth about the Anxious-Avoidant cycle. To begin with, the anxiously attached person holds most of the cards. The anxiously attached person is generally attractive and cool. She has many admirers and she holds her boundaries firmly.

Then comes the avoidantly attached man (bear with me, I know I’m generalising greatly but this is a show review on fictional characters, it is not intended to be taken as actual psychological advice). He is attracted to her. He reels her in and to begin with, he loves her intensity. He loves how much she adores him because it is a great ego boost.

But then, she isn’t happy to just have his attention. She wants comittment. She wants to occupy real space in his life. And that becomes too much for him. Suddenly, it’s too real and he slowly pulls away. Meanwhile, the anxiously attached person has grown comfortable. And as intuitive as she is, she notices him pulling away.

She panics.

She obsessively tries to reel him back in. While he pulls away, she plays games and tries to get his attention. And when that doesn’t work, she is reactive. She has intense reactions to perceived rejection from the avoidantly attached man. She blows up at him.

He’s confused and she looks like the crazy one. Eventually, she does calm down and is able to have a genuine conversation with him. But by this point, the damage has already been done and she’s labelled herself as the crazy, insecure girl. His avoidance comes across as rational. And she either concedes to the distance or they fall apart.

And if they do fall apart, he’s initially relieved and she is devastated. But with time and distance between them, she eventually gets over him. She realises he was never right for her. While he starts to miss her. And just as she is beginning to heal and move on, the game starts up again. And he is once again trying to reel her back in.

And unfortunately, to an anxiously attached person, secure people seem boring. So even if she knows he’s wrong for her, she’s also convinced he’s the only one who could truly understand her. She remembers the chemistry. And she misinterprets the constant highs and lows of an activated nervous system for chemistry and passion.

And the cycle begins again.

The Carrie Bradshaws of the World Deserve Compassion

I know, I know. Carrie makes a lot of mistakes. She has hurt her own friends in the pursuit of romantic partners. And she’s outright ignored advice, only to go crying to her friends once the consequences of her actions catch up to her. But I think it’s important to understand she is not real.

Carrie Bradshaw is a real problem taken to the extreme. She is a cautionary tale for what can happen when anxiously attached people don’t actively work on healing their nervous system.

Because here’s the thing. Somewhere along season 2-3, Carrie does improve. Yes, she’s initially resistant to going out with Aidan but she allows logic to override her emotions. And when Big comes on to her, she shuts him down. She rebukes him multiple times before finally giving in.

Because here’s the thing, when you are anxiously attached, it is so important that you do not entertain avoidant men. Even if you reject them initially, they will only view it as a challenge. They will convince you they have changed and you will compromise your own values to chase the high of their presence.

And to begin with, it does feel great to give in. Carrie loved having Big again. But every time she let him back in her life, he disrespected her. And every time they broke up, he’d inevitably reel her back in. And while she certainly asserted her boundaries to begin with, in entertaining him, she became addicted. The more he asked, the harder it was to say no.

Carrie Bradshaw isn’t stupid. She isn’t illogical. She’s actually very aware of what the right thing to do is. She knows that Big isn’t right for her. The problem is that she allows her emotions to rule her. She doesn’t know how to stick to her boundaries.

And that’s dangerous. In the best case scenario, you will be discarded by the avoidant once more. You will let them back in only to be humiliated again. In the worst case scenario, they will settle for you and you will spend the rest of your life being disrespected and made to feel like your wants and needs are irrational.

So though it’s common to be Carrie Bradshaw, don’t be her. Don’t even entertain the avoidant man. The temporary ego boost isn’t worth the heart ache that follows.

Final Thoughts

If this is your first time, welcome to Meem’s Ramblings. I’m Meem. And unfortunately, I am a little bit more cynical than usual as I am currently recovering from a traumatic breakup.

And just like with How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, watching Sex and the City really helped. If you don’t mind the second hand embarassment, I truly recommend this show. It’s expertly written, the dialogue is witty and you realise you aren’t the only one unlucky in love.

And it lets you see yourself from another perspective. And I find that when I identify with Carrie Bradshaw, I’m able to look at my own situation more objectively.