In the past year, I’ve gone through two soul crushing breakups. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s the fact that you can’t postpone grief. You don’t get to ignore the pain of losing someone by getting into another’s arms.

Around this time last year, I had just been broken up with mere weeks before my final exams. And you know what, Boy 1 was right. We were absolutely wrong for each other. Everything from our values, our timelines and even our perception of the world was out of sync. No wonder we broke up after one messy fight.

But he also felt like a rollercoaster, in the best possible away. It was the sensation of flying through the air, the wind blowing your hair back but knowing you were strapped in the entire time. It was exhilarating but I was never in any danger. And even though I knew he was wrong for me, for someone who didn’t drink, I was addicted to how intoxicating he felt.

So of course, when it ended entirely against my will, I wasn’t ready to face it. I blocked him, deleted his number and went on six dates a week until I found someone who felt almost perfect. Boy 2 was sweet and funny. Our values and timelines aligned perfectly. And so when the relationship moved on too fast, I didn’t allow my nerves to slow us down.

I assumed that because I was used to chasing avoidant men, my perception of how fast a relationship moved was distorted. And I didn’t care that we fought constantly because every time, he apologised immediately and took all the blame. And when things didn’t change, I felt like I was losing my mind. I had this amazing, perfect boyfriend who I never shit talked to anyone. And yet, there were moments when he seemed to act out of character. Moments he’d put me down or do something he already promised he wouldn’t do. And I didn’t know how to get through to him.

We just kept having the same fight over and over again. And every time we fought, I felt like a crazy bitch who was making a mountain out of a molehill. But the thing is, even though Boy 2 treated me like a princess, sometimes it was the little things that made the relationship. I didn’t need jewellery or to be taken to expensive restaurants, I wanted his presence. I wanted phone calls and to not have insulting things said about me in front of other people. I didn’t want to be complimented in private and then made fun of in public

My relationship with Boy 2 was death by a thousand cuts. But every time I mentioned something I didn’t like, he just apologised without ever absorbing what I was actually saying. And of course I believed his apology.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I actually thought he was an amazing man for even being able to apologise so “genuinely”. And so when it happened again, and I got upset again, I was left feeling insane for constantly being mad.

The Breakup That Took The Breath Out Of My Lungs

If you told me in January that Boy 2 and I were headed for a breakup, I would’ve agreed. I would’ve told you that it was probably for the best since we were clearly unable to communicate.

Unfortunately, the breakup didn’t happen in January. Instead, we had a conversation and he apologised so sincerely that I believed him. And February passed with me constantly asking if he was angry with me, if something was wrong, if he believed I was mean to him. And when he repeatedly answered no to every single question, I believed him.

When he told me he was simply tired from work, I believed him. And so the first week of March, when he broke up with me on a random Thursday, not only was I completely crushed but I was also blindsided. I couldn’t understand why he would break up with me when days before, he’d been messaging my friends to organise a fishing trip. And the Saturday before, he’d held me extra tightly. Or even the week before when he brought over a replacement bed for me, in the pouring rain, and then assembled it despite being exhausted from work.

A breakup is one thing but I felt that this second breakup challenged my entire sense of reality. Boy 2 performed such a masterful character assassination that I almost overlooked the fact that he admitted to lying to me for months. Lying to me about his opinions, values and even his behaviour when I wasn’t around.

The truth is, I am still so attached to this man that it almost doesn’t even matter that he’s completely wrong for me. I shouldn’t want to be with a man who doesn’t know how to stick up for himself. A man who is so desperate to be with me that he’d say absolutely anything to keep me. But the moment that got to be too much, would grow cold and cruel.

I shouldn’t be with a man who got upset with me for saying I was worried about quitting my job because I didn’t want to be homeless. Because how dare I assume that he wouldn’t help me? Only to turn around and break up with me after I’d handed in my resignation and was three weeks away from unemployment.

Grief Is A Funny Thing

The past few months have been so hard for me. My entire body feels weighed down with grief. And when I believed I was pregnant, I had such intense reactions that I almost got sent to a cardiologist. For a while, I couldn’t see how anything could get better. I was heartbroken, unemployed and living off of my savings.

But I’m okay now. I have a new job. I have wonderful friends who helped me pull through. I kept to a strict gym routine. I still go on long walks to keep myself sane. And by all accounts, I am completely functional. I am even doing well at my new job.

But I am sad all the time. In fact, I was so sad that I broke no contact with Boy 1. And you know what? The one man I expected to have a negative opinion of me didn’t. In fact, he apologised and gave me an explanation I didn’t even think I deserved. He actually still cared about me.

So I am clearly not a horrible person. With both of my exes, we weren’t right for each other. The first one had enough insight to break up rather than risk it. The second one decided the correct approach was to lie to me, until he no longer wanted to be with me, and then break up with me. He was cold and cruel but at least he had the decency to acknowledge he’d hurt me and was also at fault for not communicating.

I have wonderful friends and a full life and yet, I cry almost every day. I am sad more days than I am not. And I truly, genuinely wonder if I’m the problem. And I would’ve believed I was the problem too if I didn’t have all my friends telling me I was just going for assholes. And of course, it doesn’t hurt that Boy 1 felt the need to apologise to me, even a year later.

I Don’t Know What’s Next

People have given me all sorts of advice. Some people tell me I’ll be over it in four months and some tell me it’ll take me six months. The consensus appears to be that I will eventually get over this. That I will eventually meet someone I am compatible with and be grateful for the breakups.

And I believe it. Because during my relationship with Boy 2, I was genuinely grateful that Boy 1 had the insight to end the relationship. I didn’t know what was missing from my relationship with Boy 1 until I met Boy 2. And even though Boy 2 was wrong for me, he also was able to fill gaps that Boy 1 had never been able to.

I know I have a tendency to go for avoidant men with communication issues. But I also genuinely believe that I also have a lot of growing to do. I need to be better. Sure, I was reacting to inconsistency and clearly my instincts were right on the money. But I don’t want to be reactive anymore. I don’t want to be overly emotional and act irrationally.

And I would desperately love to be with someone who doesn’t feel compelled to lie to me to keep me. I truly am not that special. I genuinely don’t understand why these men don’t just admit the truth to me from the start. What’s the point of waiting until I’m attached to realise that we’re not right for each other?

I’ve Decided To Stay Single For Now

Before these two relationships, the last time I was in a relationship, I was 18. And sadly, it wasn’t the right time for me to be dating. I ended up breaking up with him and the experience of leaving was so painful, I didn’t date again for five years. And when I finally do decide to date for real, I get broken up with. Twice in a row.

So I don’t know if I want to date again. I don’t know if I can stand to go through heartbreak again. Clearly, I have some residual trauma from breaking up with my boyfriend from 18. Because no matter how bad things seem, once I’m in a relationship, I refuse to break up until I’ve tried absolutely everything to fix things.

And I just can’t do it anymore. It’s too hard and it’s seriously getting in the way of my other goals.

The past three months have been so hard for me. I had entire weeks when I couldn’t eat or sleep or get out of bed. But I also managed to find a new job, I’ve written almost 40 000 words for my novel and I’ve gotten back to writing regular blog posts. I’m seeing my friends more than ever. I am eating healthier and exercising more.

Honestly, this breakup might’ve been exactly what I needed to grow further. To become more empathetic and trust my intial instincts. To become more conscious of the way I speak to people. And even while my friendships grow stronger, I’m also learning how to advocate for myself better.

It hurts that I am my best self while I am single. It hurts that every time I start a relationship with a man, I end up on a rollercoaster of emotions. I hate that all I ever do in relationships is try to communicate and it’s rarely reciprocated. I have the most honest exes, and yet, the most deceitful boyfriends.

So I know I’ll probably date again but I don’t think I will for a while. I just want to top up my savings again. I want to get ahead in my career and I want to finish my novel.

But most importantly, I hope that I can eventually get to a point when I won’t be sad every day. When I won’t be plagued by dreams of exes I no longer get to keep in my life. I no longer want romance, I just want peace and joy that lasts even when I’m alone.

Anyways, that was super depressing. Here’s the song I’ve been listening to while finishing up this post.

Fitting, right?