Almost four months ago, I went through a very traumatic breakup. Sure, my relationship had its problems but I genuinely believed the fights were a result of miscommunication and just a man putting his foot in his mouth. But when I got hit with an unexpected breakup, I found out my ex had been lying to me and hiding things from me since our first date.

And it’s taken me this long to realise that the extreme anxiety I felt and the extreme reactions I had to seemingly small things was my nervous system trying to warn me. Because the thing is, I almost didn’t go on a first date with this man.

Before we ever met, he said something to me that rubbed me the wrong way. And most people wouldn’t even consider what he said to be a red flag. But to me, it was indicative of a value system that didn’t align with me. And had he not immediately apologised, I would’ve just unmatched him.

But then I met him, and he was wonderful. He was attractive and a nerd. Of course I was interested in him! And the only thing I didn’t like about him was that he drove too fast but he slowed right down when I told him it made me nervous. And I believed his capacity to apologise immediately and change was an indication of his capacity to take accountability.

Spoiler: he just really liked me and was willing to bend himself in any which way to keep me. Which meant that while I thought I was with the perfect man, he was putting on the act of his life.

Trust Your Instincts

I am not proud of the way I acted within that relationship. I am someone who has a tendency to have very strong reactions to things. But I have learned to adapt. I don’t confront people immediately when I’m upset. I wait until most of my anger has cooled down so that I can have a rational conversation.

Unfortunately, his extreme people pleasing tendencies meant that he was hyper attuned to my every want and need. And while it made him an incredibly devoted and attentive partner, it also denied me the chance to process my emotions without him. And I guess I got into the habit of telling him exactly how I felt even when I knew my emotions were at their strongest.

But I also think a part of me recognised the red flags and the inconsistencies, even when I wasn’t consciously aware of it. There’s a reason why I was always angry near the end of the relationship. For the most part, he was a wonderful partner and a stand up guy. But there were moments he’d say or do something that felt out of character. And I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

That’s why I didn’t unmatch him before our first date. That’s why I didn’t break up with him in January. I ignored my instincts because they didn’t seem logical. And it didn’t match the way I was being treated 95% of the time. And that only lead to me being discarded when I was at my worst.

Yes, he waited until I was three weeks away from unemployment to break up with me. And tell me he’d actually been lying to me the entire time. Had hid things from me that I had every right to know. Things that affected my life without my knowing it. And he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I was always mad at him and he couldn’t be himself around me.

And then he proceeded to give me a laundry list of things he didn’t like about me. Things he’d never admitted to having a problem with before. And even things I did before I ever met him and values I had that had nothing to do with him. And if that conversation didn’t prove we weren’t compatible, I don’t know what else will.

I Was The Frog Getting Slowly Boiled Alive

If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it would jump up immediately. But if you put a frog in tepid water and slowly turned the temperature up, you could slowly cook it without it even realising.

And I was the frog. Yes, my instincts kicked in immediately but I had no reason to trust them. There was no logical reason for my anxiety or my reaction to him. In fact, he was overall a very lovely and sweet man. He was a wonderful and loving partner who occasionally acted in a way that felt entirely out of character.

If he was immediately displaying red flags, I would’ve never continued on the relationship. But in slowly amping things up over time, I never realised how bad the situation was getting until I hit the end.

But my nervous system did. That’s why I was always angry by the end. I felt his inconsistency. I knew something was wrong and he was keeping something from me, I just didn’t know what. And every time I had an intense reaction, I felt like a crazy person. I felt like I was overreacting to very small things.

But I just couldn’t see the big picture. I didn’t see the pattern of behaviour that led me to that point. But thankfully, my intense reactions was finally enough to scare away a man who was never right for me. He finally hit a point when he could no longer lie to me. And he could no longer deal with keeping up the façade he’d created.

I Never Got Closure

There’s still a part of me that desperately wants to speak to the man I dated. Because the man who broke up with me was cold and cruel. He did things I didn’t know about. He had values I was opposed to. And he said things to me that no kind person would ever say. But most importantly, he denied me any opportunity to have that final conversation to have my closure.

And for the longest time, I held on to the version of him I got in the relationship. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I continued to have compassion for him, even as he treated me with coldness and cruelty. But when he finally denied me an opportunity to have a final conversation, I realised something.

Even he admitted he couldn’t be himself around me. He admitted to lying to me and hiding things from me. And while it’s one thing to keep up an act for 8 months, no one can do it forever. So the compassion I feel is for someone who never existed in the first place.

Because if kindness and understanding is conditional on him wanting access to me, it was never kindness or understanding to begin with. It was manipulation. It was benevolent cruelty. He wanted to be comfortable. He wanted to have me as a girlfriend but he wasn’t meant for me.

Final Thoughts

To answer my question: do you need closure to move on? I actually don’t know. Before this point, I’d always gotten closure. I always at least had the opportunity to have a final conversation. This is the first time I’ve been met with a completely different person in the breakup to the one I dated.

And I realised: this isn’t just a heartbreak. It’s a moral injury (sorry, I saw a reel about it but I can’t remember who came up with it). Sure, I had intense reactions. But if I did the things he did to me, he also would’ve spiralled. And I never started off by having overblown reactions. It was only near the end that I became so angry.

And while it’s harder to move on without closure, I have to learn. I cannot receive closure or healing from the person who hurt me. And honestly, denying me the one thing I want, when the entire breakup has been on his terms is a power move. He gets to hold the only thing I want over my head.

And a man like that cannot give me closure. I would only have been met with cruelty and coldness. I would’ve had to make myself smaller, and minimise my own hurt to even have a conversation with him. The only person who can truly give me closure is the version of him I got during the relationship.

And he doesn’t exist.